If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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