i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
