So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
