don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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