so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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