If that was your dad, he is hot
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
