that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
