I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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