You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
