you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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