I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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