Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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