i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
