I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
