Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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