I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
