you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
