dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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