i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
