She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i love accidental penises.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
