I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
