She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
