my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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