Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
