I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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