The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
