how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
