I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I accidentally burped into my bong.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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