The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
