I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
