I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
