I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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