Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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