he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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