me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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