Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
