FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
