I accidentally had phone sex last night
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
