Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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