Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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