As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
