I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
