I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
