i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
