I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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