My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
