We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
