Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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