i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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