I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
