I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
