now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
