i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
