Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I cannot find my penis.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
