This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
3pm strippers are depressing
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
