we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
