and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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