you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
