He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
BRING THE BAGELS
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
