I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
