What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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