the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
