All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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