its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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