for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
